Singleness and the Kingdom: Part Two

This is my second post taken from communications I have received in the last couple weeks about what it means to be single and a follower of Christ.  Here is another email from a young woman who was made to feel that marriage and motherhood were the highest (only valid) vocation for women.  Listen to another journey of a young women learning how to hear the call and Jesus and follow with total abandon.  Read the first post here.  I will post some thoughts in coming days from people for whom singleness means divorce, being widowed, being a single parent, etc.

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This topic has been one that I have questioned for several years now because when I got to college, I began to question all that I had been taught throughout high school about marriage and singleness. A couple friends and I have been discussing it the past couple days so that we could thoughtfully respond to you.

I have wonderful parents who chose to take some paths that not many parents wanted to take in raising their kids.  Some of these things, I think are very wonderful ways they shaped me, but other things I had to take a step back from when I got to college and question.  They home schooled me and my siblings and were very strict about a lot of things.  One of these things was the topic of dating. They taught us that dating was not the "Christian" way to go.  That, instead, a sort of "courtship" was the "right" thing. I hesitate in the way I am speaking about these things because I really don't want to dishonor my parents in any way, but I suppose everyone has to go through a questioning phase of how they will make their way in the world different or similar from their family. Anyway, throughout high school, I was taught by my parents and people at church that I was supposed to be praying for my "future mate" and preparing myself to be a godly wife and mother. I had no idea at that point that there were any other options in life, nor did I desire any other option. I had known single adults, but when I heard people talking about them, they always said things like, "I feel sorry for him/her. He/She must be so lonely."  This may or may not have been true for those particular people, but no one ever talked about singleness as something that could be a positive way of life.  

When I got to college, I was very frustrated because I felt like there was suddenly all this pressure I had not felt in high school to find someone to marry.  I was frustrated by how this put pressure on friendships with guys and how it made me feel like less of a person because I wasn't finding anyone that I would ever consider marrying. I was also frustrated because I couldn't figure out what a relationship was even supposed to look like in regards to romance because of the confusion of what "courtship" was even supposed to look like.  I finally got to a point where I realized that I was in a season of life that was meant for singleness and that I needed to learn to be faithful to that. This brought a lot of relief and peace and rather than getting frustrated anymore at questions people asked about me being in relationships, I was able to laugh it off and just say it wasn't time for me to be in any relationships.  This year or so that I was feeling this way, I even considered never marrying anyone because I had just gotten so fed up with all the pressures and seeing people choosing relationships for many selfish reasons (this was partially why I was so confused about the romantic issues I mentioned earlier).

I feel like I am finally coming to a point in life where I feel a balance of being content where I am and even enjoying the freedom and purpose I can find in singleness.  I think that our group of friends doing the things we are doing in our community is a perfect example of this.  But, on the other side of that balance, I am knowing a peace about the fact that I might be called to choose marriage and motherhood one day as well.

I guess what I would like to encourage the church most in is to find ways to support and be family to people who find themselves in every season of life: children and teens who don't have much support at home, single adults, married couples, families, single parents, parents who can't have children, and homosexuals needing support in being faithful to the struggles they are facing.  I reread two articles this week from one of my bible classes in college when you told us about your sermon coming up.  I'll try to get them to you so you can read them. One is about myths about romance and marriage and the other is about church being people's first family.  They both reminded me of the importance of these topics and the emphasis they should hold in the church. 

I think the idea of having a conversation on stage with some different people is a great idea and I don't think it necessarily has to be only single people or people who have never been married.  I think it would be helpful to hear from married people as well on how to be faithful in singleness.  I know if I had heard a sermon on this when I was in high school and even in college, it would have helped me so much! 

Singleness and the Kingdom

This Sunday at the Northlake Church I facilitated a "group sermon" with six other adults about the wide variety of types of singleness being experienced by our members.  This was a part of a broader series about the so-called domestic texts in Scripture.  It is entitled: "Families: The Context for Growing Up to Be Like Jesus."

As part of the prep for a sermon about being single, I received pages and pages of emails and enjoyed many conversations about how navigating singleness as a citizen of the Kingdom works (and doesn't!).  The sermon took a look at 1 Corinthians 7:25-35 where Paul reflects on the vocation of singleness.  We, like Paul, took aim at subverting the myths - even though the American ones are different than those in Corinth - that seek to weaken healthy sexuality and relationships.  There is more to being Christian and single than simply finding another Christian to date and staying sexually pure!

Part of the trouble with the sermon was including the breadth and depth of what was shared with me in all those emails and conversations.  So, I am going to post on this week some of the messages I received.  The first one can be read below.  If you would like to listen to the sermon and panel discussion, it will be posted here soon.

This is message from a young woman at Northlake who has come to see the illusions of dating/romance for what they are as she is embracing singlessness as a vocation (not as a problem to fix!).  She fittingly challenges that the ideal Christian life requires being a wife and mother.  No offense to "Christian Mingle," but this young woman is choosing a better story for who she is! I trust her words will challenge you as much as they did me.

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Living life fully present and faithfully in the situation that’s been handed to you is the context in which we engage in conversation about singleness.  Every day is different, bringing different feelings of happiness, contentment, loneliness, acedia, etc. 

Wise and challenging conversations about singleness would have been so helpful and formative growing up.  I was never aware that people in the world chose a life of singleness as a vocation based no faith in God and personal decision.  It just wasn’t on my radar.  There were a few single older people at my church back in Texas, but I understood from my parents that they were single because they never found anyone to be married to.  I felt sad for these people and always assumed they must be so lonely.  Nuns and monks and their choice to be ‘married to Jesus’ and live in community with others who made the same choice was never talked about in an honorable or thought-provoking way.

I have lived all of my life as a single person (except for a brief period of having a boyfriend in high school), and my experience have varied throughout the different phases of my life.  At my Christian university, because of the intense ‘date to get married pressure cooker’ environment, I constantly felt like I should have a boyfriend and that I should definitely not graduate without a husband or at least the promise of one.  When I moved to a new city, due to my immediate community of close friends, I did not feel strange about being single.  Life and social activities did not revolve around who’s dating who, and I never heard things like - ‘Dang! He’s hot!’ (Which, by the way, I loathe hearing those words.)  The lifestyle of singleness was even openly talked about and discussed as a valued thing to commit to.  My time in this community was when I first realized the goodness and the gift of what it means to be single.  The stark constrast in these two environments say something to how we should speak openly and value our single brothers and sisters and provide a way and a space for them to contribute their gifts, for surely being single comes with things to offer that differ from those of married people.

A big question to wrestle with - What are the illusions and cultural lies that we are buying into, even the people who are trying to live in a way pleasing to the God if the universe (as oppsed to the God of America)?  These illusions, these lies constantly afect the way we view our brothers and sisters of the opposite sex.  It affects how we communicate with them.  It affects the foundaitons of our friendships, so that we see them through a lens of deceit and ulterior motives.  This way of viewing the world doesn’t even allow for the true community we see in the New Testament, the way of Jesus.

It seems to me, that Americans have put the ‘nuclear family’ so much higher than anything else, that we can’t see all the joy and goodness to be had universally and individually.  Why haven’t we been comparing the commitment we are called to take in marriage to a commitment to a community of people (blood related or not)?  I think the early Christians knew how to do this well. 

We need to hear honestly from married people about what it is to live every day married to someone.  How does it effect your relationship with God?  How does it effect your friendships and community life?  Loneliness, happiness, contentment... are playing the same role in your life as before marriage?  If different, how so?  What is hard or good about marriage that you did not anticipate or were not warned about?  Have you consistently held that the hardship and burdens are worth being married to the person?

I understand these are hard things to be honest about, especially to someone younger than yourself.  It’s something people are begging for though.  I’ve watched and played an active role in many close friends preparing and deciding for marriage, and they have been so good about asking hard questions before doing so.  So often they have felt cheated or deceived by the answers of those older than them.

Not So Sure I am Fit for the Kingdom After All

What follows is a poem of sorts where I wrestle with the frustrating ambiguity and annoying uncontrolability of the King and His Kingdom.  As we discover in Narnia, Aslan comes and goes as He pleases because He is not a tame lion.  This is my attempt to tame Him and His refusal to be tamed.

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The Kingdom of Leaven? No Thanks.

You say that faith

    is the stuff of mustard seeds

That the Kingdom of Heaven

    is the Kingdom of Leaven

No thanks

I want faith that

  is the stuff of concrete

                     of buildings

                       of billboards

                         of measurable results

                          of awards

                            of the evening news

Please just give me a Kingdom

    that actually looks like a Kingdom

You come to us with stories

    No thanks, I'd like some answers

You present us with a dirt path

        a winding, rocky, endless path

   No thanks, I'd prefer an academy degree

You tell me "It is finished"

   yet, with a smirk

You say to me it is still under construction

You tell me that I have been and forever am perfected

   yet, with a smirk

You say to me that there's a lot left to be done

No thanks

I want to taste what is promised

    I don't want to walk what is demanded

If it is already,

    let it be already, already!

If it is not yet

    let me be in my notyetness

Which one shall I accept

    already or not yet?

In some muddled parable I think

    you said yes with a wink

Or... may it was no

    Either way, I might add

No thanks

Can I introduce you, please

   to my microwave

    to my wi-fi

     to my drive-thru

   to Hollywood

    to magazine covers

     to 22-minute sitcoms

   to medication

    to liposuction 

     to lazer hair removal 

   to overnight millionaires 

    to online degrees

     to all the secrets of passing the MAT?

"No Thanks"

Can I introduce you, kindly 

   in the paper on my wall

    in a mp3 of my last sermon

     in some of the materials I have written

   in some photos of my mission trips

    in the names of those I have influenced

     in a few quote from my admirers 

   in a conversation about all that I know

    in a discussion about my library 

     in some evidence of my great superiority?

"No Thanks"

"You keep praying to me saying, 'your will be done'

    You keep entreating, 'your kingdom come'

        You keep insisting that this happens 'on earth'"

"I know you're not sure what you expect that to mean

    Just know it is much different than what will be

        And I am answering you anyway"

You say, 

  imagination 

I say, 

  goals

mystery

  definition

hope

  clarity

subtlety

  product

process

  result

messiness

  answers

poetry

  propositions

art

  reason

invitation

  control  

"The Kingdom of Leaven can be yours

    the religion of seeds is at hand

To live, you will have to die

    when dead you'll finally be alive

To know, you'll have to get lost

    when displaced you'll finally be home"

"If you are willing, follow me"

"But if you want answers

    and systems

       and structures

          and rules

              and control

You'll just have to follow you"

No thanks!

Help me 

  to be at peace in the mess

    to rest comfortably in the sanctifying process

      to be content with the Wind blowing as it pleases

        to wander as a citizen of the Kingdom of Leaven.